baru sampe kantor, tenang2in diri, pasang komputer, siapin kerjaan, minum air putih ... then all of a sudden si hagi nanya what i'm doing. since i thought he was controlling my work due to the deadline. ternyata, he told me to go to bali tomorrow. wow, that's shocking! depart at 16.10, alone. hiks hiks.

langsung inget2 mom, abby, my house, my desk and of course my tutu. uhuhuhuhu. we've had our ups and downs pretty fast on our way. and i haven't got it quite resolve with it. maybe everything's fine now, but still, got some things that we might want to discuss. and knowing the short time i have until tomorrow afternoon, gosh.. it really holds me back from going there with full excitement. looks like the best anthem for the moment when i get there is 'wish you were here.' huhuhuhu

goodnight and go // imogen heap
[but I don't wanna fall...]

since two days ago, I've learnt to expand my boundaries. I've got loads of work at the office. Feels like banging my head and expect it to work more properly than having a stop for a breakdown. Because there's a huge mistake in timing, I spent the day before my birthday, wandering around Jakarta in a heavy-Friday-traffic. I had an option to bail out of the situation, but I choose to stuck and keep a friend of mine, accompanied. Turned out, my decision wasn't good enough. I made others awfully upset. I actually bust ass for someone else's lover, but neglected my own. And if that's not enough to give you one of those multiple-solution-to-think-to-save-a-day thing.. [wow, that's long], in the end of the day, right about 3min before my birthday, dia bilang klo gw ngejalanin semuanya setengah2.. [ouchhh]. So on my birthday, after feeling happy for having him as the first person who said 'happy birthday,' I cried.

not many people remembered my birthday this year like the last one. Fewer phone calls, fewer text message, and definitely fewer emails or testimonials on fs. I don't mind. I don't feel so great about it anyway. I am thankful and absolutely feel blessed having another year knowing that my God has been so great, loving unconditionally, and all and all beautiful to me; I really do.
anyway, later that afternoon, he picked me up and took me to dinner. I forgive him completely. My patience and love expanded. Just like yesterday when I have to accompanied andini with batur's business. I cant get more upset any longer. It expanded. My patience for the situation expanded. So this day, it happened again. I was having a wonderful time that day. He even gave me a birthday present: bahan kebaya!!! 4 long pieces!!! I was so happy, until we went back to his house and started to watch DVD. Then, it happened. I cried. I was furious. I was shaking and sobbing at the same time. Nothing big really [or does it?!] but the impact to me was tremendously traumatic. Somehow, it brings me back to how men can be so self-centered, pushy, taking advantage over me, and so on. I was totally mad, to him and myself. I felt disappointed. I felt harassed. I felt cheap. I felt alone and scared. I was [at that point of time] lost.

but something happened when he took me home full of regret. One more time, it expanded. I realize that it wasn't because his look or his action that tried to show me how much he regretted it, nor of anything nice and loving that he tried to tell me. I forgive him completely merely because of my own decision. My own thinking. I love him, I care for him, and what I have for him eliminate every negative thoughts I had earlier. Frankly, I'm still scared and more cautious, but generally, I'm getting over it. Mom was right, when you love someone. You love them completely, as in whole. You give without thinking of getting it back. "kasih hapuskan pelanggaran." the bible is right. The law of love does work, yesterday today and tomorrow.

today, he told me about the whole new project thing more detailed. Looks like not only he has to go to bengkulu, but perhaps Sydney as well. He asked me, if I want to go with him.

[dramatic pause]

I'm speechless. My mind goes back to what mas widy once said. About what my mom wants. About the dream of going abroad. I don't know how to connect the whole dots. If I do, does it gives me a good picture of what gonna happen in the future? I have no idea. I don't even know I'm ready to even think about it. And how about my mom?! I'm totally confused. This is too much for me. I guess, until now, not me nor my mom is ready for these kinds of things.

I don't know what to think, what to hoped, what to say, what to do...
so many turns, so many ups and downs, bahkan melintirnya pun juga ada. So many tracks to choose.
these three days have been quite a ride.

EARGASM
1. noun. The sensation one gets while hearing a dramatic climax in music.
2. noun. The climax of musical excitement.
3. verb. To have an eargasm.

1. I nearly had an eargasm while listening to his performance of Rachmaninoff's Second Piano Concerto.
2. My favorite part of that piece is the eargasm.
3. When we listened to that music, did you eargasm?

When i read it from urban dictionary, i was astound. i know there's an orgasm, but it didn't come in mind that you could put another word in front of -gasm ending. then maybe we could have foodgasm, tvgasm, musicagasm, or maybe sleepgasm. is it valid? i dont know, but i do know that it has to produce climatic sensation. do you get your climatic sensation when it comes to food? well maybe you do when you watch 'born to cook,' that japanese cartoon from our childhood.

but eargasm. do ear can feel climatic sensation? i wonder. if yes, then how does it react towards it?

one of my cactus died the other day. sigh, i felt very sad. dia bahkan blm pernah dikasih nama, for pete's sake! but really.. does it really matter? hihih dont know. i guess i want these small things to matter, since i dont give a shit bout the big ones.

havin' a bad feeling today. woke up and have no mood whatsoever to go to work. but since i find staying at home would be more depressing, i went anyway. i downloaded another gadget at my google desktop. these newbies are so compeling! now i got myself a fish tank and a flower pot. every time i put my mouse on it, it feeds the fish and waters the flower. then the fish would say nice things like 'ohh dont be blue' or 'dont forget to visit our site.' the flower pot, on the other hand, have a bud changes into a flower every time you water it. it's fun for me, due to the fact that i'm so stuck with work.

i'm planning to give names to the fish. maybe fishy, fushy, fushia? pfftttt but speaking of fish tank, what would happen when your office desks has fish tank on it?

yadien is having his birthday today. when i entered the office, there's a package loaded with snacks and candies on each of our tables. that was a blessing! since i have no more money left. i only got 4 thou for today. very minimum indeed.

dont know why, but i'm having a bad feeling today. especially after viewing their page, again. hmphh, i dont know. i feel like making a mistake. 5 years arent a short time. you gain so much in such a long period. and right now, i feel like being the bad guy. resenting a lil why i was never properly introduced before. there's always a chance, but never got one. or is it because i was never permitted.

i moved insto to hagi's office. so there wont be any smoke yellowing her again.

i just love everything that's on my office desk right now. it's messy alright, but at least it shows that i do have work on it.

let's see, there are 2 cactuses: tutu kol lanvin and inuktitut asparagusto. the first has small posters of french movies all over it's pot, and the latter still blank black. but it looks bright with yellow coaster that andini gave me from bali. then there's my water glass with starbucks coaster beneath it. next to water glass is my calendar which opens on july with doodles made by tuko, and two pink post it attached to it. up front of it are envelopes from the bank and three dvds: click, mrs. harris, and the tiger and the snow. on the left is my usb with business week strap and two dot stickers. then my white mouse, green pen, and keyboard. when there's a keyboard, there has to be a monitor. it has two bright coloured post it, orange and pink full of reminder notes. in between the keyboard and monitor are my cell and the magic bookshop bears: robin hood. a small bear wearing robin hood costume are trapped inside the box, as if it's a bookshop etalase. on the far right corner, i stacked 3 books: catatan pinggir by goenawan mohamad, my pkl, and a playboy 'bundel dated july-dec 2005.

i put my cpu on the right side of my desk. there's an orange magazine rack full of mags like gq, pb indonesia 2nd ed, newsweek, teen vogue, dictionary and catalog from mont blanc. in front of it, i put my giant dictionary with some change from buying food earlier today.

like i've said before, it's a whole lot of mess, but considering my non existent work today, i take it pretty amusing. [oops, did i say no work? :p]

i love my messy desk. it's personal :D

his ex message me thru fs. she ask whether she ever make a mistake to me. told me to have fun with him. period.

i didnt give her a reply. afraid of assumtions that might come. some things dont need answers. i agree.

then it struck me, why does it has to be this hard just to be with him? is it right? shouldn't it be fun? hmmm